Description: Hanging onto her electric youth by the skin of its teeth, Debbie Gibson releases her first fragrance for men. Inspired by her dwindling checking account balance, Debbie Gibson decided to revisit the perfumery where she once bottled her famed fragrance “electric youth,” only to find that it is now a Dunkin Donuts. Heartbroken, she drove to the storage unit where she keeps her denim vests and hair crimper and found a dusty box returned to sender from a Glendale area Sears. it was then that she discovered 50 bottles of her luxury scent. Determined, she filled the now dried bottles with pinaud and Malibu the rest is history.
Top notes: dust, barbershop powder
Middle notes: faux leather, spilt coffee
Base notes: perfume from a Claire’s.
“You’ve left the bar. You have a hunger for meats- Your mission awaits. The steak house? The grocery? No. You want your meats and you want them fast. The newest stank by Messchino: RONALD. The innocence of childhood. The frivolity of an obese woman at BJ’s. Ronald… go for it.”
Top notes: grease, burnt beef
Middle notes: vanilla, oud
Base notes: sweet and sour
Bottom line: I’ve had too much vodka for this shit. Shut it down.
Title: “midsummer nights cream” by Giorgio Beverly Hills
Description: Picture this: you’re an el Salvadoran prostitute named Pretzel Legs and you need to quickly aerate your lady bits. You grab a nearby bottle of febreeze and some incense and rub it on your tunnel of love. Oh no! You forgot to empty out your hamper after the last John; so now it’s a weird fluids mixed with industrial chemicals and flowers situation. You go about your day, head held high.
Top notes: Air freshener, semen
Middle notes: vetiver, bread
Base notes: unwashed yoga pants
Bottom line: there is a man in front of me with jizz on his pants. I’m not even joking. Aside from that the stink is just average.
Description: Tanning beds and burnt rubber collide in the newest fragrance by Dior. Out of the bottle and rubbed on the skin, you get an immediate slap of synthetic tan lotion and a crop dusted fart. You stuff your freshly orange frame into a bedazzled blouse and head for your nearby Autozone for a set of new tires. Bridging the gap between hardware and skin cancer, this fragrance will lift you up and then bury you 6 feet under. Spray if you dare.
Top notes: ambrosia self tanner, fart
Middle notes: burnt rubber, sweaty jacket
Base notes: that thing where you run in a baseball hat and then smell it.
Bottom line: the train is like 90 degrees and full of people who don’t understand personal space. Literally a purse is resting on my shoulder and it’s a Michael Kors… and that in itself is tragic.
Title: “ShamaLamaDingDong” By Hostess for Guerlain in collaboration with dekuyper
Description: Refinement. Style. Preservatives. With it’s intoxicating aroma of freshly poured peach schnapps, chocolate snack cake, basement must, and a bummed cigarette- this gourmand/oriental fragrance will take you to far off lands, or at least to Boston Medical Center or like … chinatown or something.
Top Notes: nondescript EDP
Middle Notes: Chocolate, Peach, spilt liquor
Base Notes: Tobacco, Mildew
Bottom Line: Honestly? I kinda liked it. SO SUE ME.
Title: “Mentholodeon” by Jean-Nate for Frederic Malle
Description: Jean-Nate brings her dime-store aesthetic to the world of fine perfumery with her first fragrance for Frederic Malle. A mental trip to the pharmacy for last minute mouth wash before a hookup arrives for hastily delivered fluids. While in the checkout line, you see a travel size bottle of febreeze room spray. A steal for only $1.79. Upon leaving the store, you receive a text from your trick- they aren’t coming. All is not lost, however, as a glimmer of light hits your eye as the sun reflects off the single tooth in a homeless woman’s mouth & her collection of found coins. An exotic evening awaits.
Top notes: listerine blue mouth wash
Middle notes: flavored lubricant.
Base notes: a skipped shower
